


Belonging

by artsyleo



Series: Trans Eastenders [4]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pregnancy Scares, Sad with a Happy Ending, Trans Male Character, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:26:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25342426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: It's like- every nightmare he's ever had about his identity is coming true right in front of his eyes. Everything that he's ever feared about his life, about being in a relationship, loving and being loved in return- everything that's scared him about all that might be about to come true. Because if this is true, if this is all that he thinks it is, then this - this beautiful new universe that he's created at Ben's side - is over for good.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Trans Eastenders [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1803019
Comments: 14
Kudos: 43





	Belonging

**Author's Note:**

  * For [niclatifis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/niclatifis/gifts).



> tw - heavy dysphoria, pregnancy  
> for the record, this is NOT an mpreg fic. Callum is a trans guy

It's like- every nightmare he's ever had about his identity is coming true right in front of his eyes. Everything that he's ever feared about his life, about being in a relationship, loving and being loved in return- everything that's scared him about all that might be about to come true. Because if this is true, if this is all that he thinks it is, then this - this beautiful new universe that he's created at Ben's side - is over for good.

He should have clocked it sooner, he should have known. He shouldn't have been so stupid, and reckless, and-

Well, there are so many what ifs for him to ponder, but right now he needs to figure out how he's going to re-learn how to function.

The taste of bile is still in his mouth from the fact that he's just thrown up for the third morning this week, and his hands just won't stop shaking. His knees are tugged tightly against his chest, and his hands are knotted in the sweaty hair at the back of his head. It feels as though his world's just tearing itself apart at the seams, because this shouldn't have to happen, this shouldn't be a worry-

Because he's gay. Because he's a gay man, and he might be pregnant.

He feels sick, but this time it's from anxiety. It feels like he's hyper-conscious of everything in his body, and the fact that he could be pregnant right now, could have a baby to deal with-

he finishes that thought by dry heaving into the toilet. 

Just as he flushes the toilet again, there's a hand on his shoulder and he flinches, hard, so that he hits his chin against the toilet bowl, and it's funny how something as small as that right now makes him want to just cry. 

"Sorry, sorry," Ben says, rubbing a gentle thumb over his chin. Callum doesn't dare look him in the eyes, because he knows he'll break as soon as he does. "Maybe we should get you to the doctors, this is the third time this week." 

"N-no! No, Ben, I'm fine," Callum says, even though he's anything but. Ben's eyes flick quickly from his lips to his eyes, and it's like he can see right through Callum, just like that. It's not even like avoiding the doctors is going to make this go away, which is why he knows it's stupid, it's just- he just wants to live in denial for a while longer, until he has to actually see his fears confirmed. 

"Cal-"

"Please, Ben," Callum says, and his voice breaks in the worst way so he's glad Ben can't hear it. Ben gives him this pleading, sympathetic look, and that's what breaks him. The dam cracks, and he just falls forward onto Ben, who wraps strong arms around him as he sobs into his shoulder.  
-  
He finds himself at the pharmacy later, and he doesn't think he's ever been so lost in his life. He'd made up some lie to Ben about just hating being ill, and having eaten something dodgy the night before and his boyfriend seems to buy it. He hates lying to Ben, but it’s necessary right now, he tells himself. He wanders out of the house on the premise of clearing his head, but he heads straight for the pharmacy around the corner instead. What gets him first is how fucking expensive they are- he's being made to pay £10 at minimum for his misery, and he's convinced that's some sort of cruel joke. He stands there staring until he must gain some attention, before he just pulls the first one off the shelf and places it on the counter- thank fuck the pharmacy is empty.

"Ah, congrats! For your girlfriend?" The lady behind the counter says, and he's an inch away from just giving up entirely. He doesn't though, because as much as he hates this, he has to know. So he just smiles noncommittally at the woman behind the counter as she scans it in. It feels like the worst kind of practical joke- the woman is standing there calling him ‘sir’, which usually is the best thing in the world but he doesn’t think he’s ever felt more wrong than right now, because he shouldn’t be like this-

“Thanks,” he says to the shop worker, and shoves the test into his jacket pocket, turning out of the pharmacy. Ben’s got to be at work by now so he should be safe to take it back home. Fuck, it’s all just such a mess, and he has to physically stop himself from just sitting on the bench in the middle of the square and crying. He just has to get home and take the test, and then he can go from there. If it’s negative, no one ever has to know.

Except- it’s never that simple for Callum.

When he gets back to the flat, there’s too much noise, but it’s not Ben. There’s the noise of Frozen on the TV, and Lexi’s unmistakeable voice singing along, and if Lexi’s there, that must mean that either Lola or Ben is too. Shit.

Ben must’ve let them in, knowing he only had one meeting at the car lot today.

“Afternoon,” Callum says as he reaches the top of the stairs, fake smile plastered on his face.

“Callum!” Lexi shouts as she jumps up from the sofa and runs at him. She leaps into his arms, but one of her feet catches his hoodie pocket and pushes the test out and onto the floor-

Lexi’s head is on his shoulder, so she doesn’t see it. Lola does, though. She looks at it confused at first, then locks eyes with Callum, and her expression softens.

(Callum shouldn’t need this understanding, his friends shouldn’t have to deal with this- but they do.)

Lola grabs the test from the floor and puts it in her own pocket, then taps Lexi’s back.

“Go on Lex, you’re missing the movie! Me and Callum’ll come and sit with you in a minute,” she says, and Lexi squeezes Callum once more, before pulling out of his arms and running back over to the sofa. Callum knows he’s crying now because he can feel the wetness already on his cheeks, s it’s too late to try and hide away.

“Come on, in the bedroom,” she says quietly, a comforting hand stroking his arm. “I’ll get you some water.”  
-  
Callum’s sat with his back against the edge of the bed when Lola walks back in, carrying a glass, and a mug of what’s probably tea.

“Didn’t know what you’d want,” she says quietly, and Callum just smiles a little in thnks, reaching for the mug.

“Does Ben know?” She says, and Callum almost flinches at the sound of his boyfriend’s name, which just makes him feel worse. He should be sharing this with the man he loves, except the man he loves is gay, and he’s not supposed to be able to get his boyfriend pregnant-

“No,” Callum says, his voice hoarse. “I can’t- I can’t tell him. He’ll hate me.”

“He isn’t going to hate you, Callum,” Lola says, but the disgust, or at least exasperation that Callum thinks should be in her voice isn’t there. “He loves you, he always will, whatever happens.“

“What, even if his boyfriend is –“

Callum can’t even say it, can’t even force the word out of his mouth without wanting to gag, because it’s his worst fear. Sure, he likes children - he adores Lexi, and he’s always dreamt of raising more kids with Ben - but he’s never wanted this, never. Instead, he just breaks again, tears full force flooding from his eyes. Lola pulls his head onto her shoulder, and strokes a gentle hand across his head.

When he’s calmed somewhat, Lola talks again.

“Do you want to do it now?” she says, and it takes a minute for Callum to understand, before that sinking feeling returns to his stomach, because he has to do this at some point.

“I should,” he says, and Lola nods slightly.

“What do you want me to do?” Lola asks, and it’s so careful and concerned that he’s reminded again of what an incredible person Lola is.

“I don’t want to do it alone,” Callum says, and for once it’s the truth. As much as he’d planned to just lock himself in the bathroom alone and deal with this himself, now that the offer of support is there he can’t bear to do it alone.

“You’re not alone, Callum. Ever.”

-

That thirty seconds is the longest of his life.

He’s pretty sure he’d be driving himself insane watching every second tick by if Lola wasn’t there.

Not that it doesn’t feel like he’s going insane now. Life as he knows it Is hanging in every one of those seconds, his relationship with Ben, the man that he’s fallen so fucking in love with, along with it. If the test is positive, he doesn’t even know how he’s going to begin to talk to Ben about it. They haven’t even started to talk about kids, and this could be about to ruin everything- things are so good right now, and of course, Callum’s body has to go and fuck it up-

Lola pulls him out of his spiral by squeezing his hand.

“It’s time,” she says, and all of the breath leaves his lungs at once. He can’t do this. So much of him is yearning for Ben, wanting desperately for the other man to justhug him and tell him that it’s all going to be alright but he can’t want that, because Ben’s going to abaondon him if there’s two lines, because why wouldn’t he? He’s a gay man, and his boyfriend.

“Baby? Can you hear me?”

Ben. It’s Ben.

He’s so out of it by now that the only thing that registers is that Ben’s there, Ben’s going to hold him. It doesn’t compute in his head that that mean’s Ben must know.

A strong arm is being wrapped around his shoulders then, and it’s a comforting pressure. He presses his nose into the sleeve and it just smells like Ben, and it’s the most comforting thing.

“That’s it. Just try and focus on me,” Ben’s voice says, and he realises it feels much less like he’s dying now. It takes him another few minutes before he’s fully aware again, and that’s when it hits him.

He pulls himself out of Ben’s embrace quickly and meets the other man’s eyes. He doesn’t even have to say anything- they’re so full of love and concern and nothing else that it makes Callum want to cry in the best way, because at least Ben’s not gone running. Lola’s not in the room any more, which he’s kind of glad about- he loves Lola, but he hates having panic attacks in front of anyone, although Ben’s comfort is almost necessary at this point. He’s about to fall back into Ben’s embrace when the test on the counter catches his eye, and he remembers that he still doesn’t know. He grabs it with a shaking hand because he can’t put himself through the not knowing any longer-

It’s negative.

Emotion floods everything in him, and he’s crying into Ben’s chest before he can stop himself. Ben just kisses his forehead, stroking gentle hands through his hair.

-

“Are you upset?” Callum asks nervously later, his hands shaking a little through the sign.

“Huh?” Ben asks, because he’s probably half asleep, but Callum’s mind is still racing.

“Sorry,” he says, adjusting so that Ben can see him better. “Are you upset?”

“About what?” he asks, leaving a hand open on the bed, which Callum quickly takes.

“Just- about all of this. The fact that I didn’t tell you, the fact that we even have to worry about this,” he replies, his heart just beginning to race again. “The fact that I was relieved.”

Ben shifts so that he’s sitting against the headboard, and pulls Callum up so that he’s doing the same. He’s giving Callum this intense look, and there’s just so much in it.

“Callum, I’m not upset. I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could talk to me about all of this, more than anything, because I’m never going to be mad about something like this, because it’s not your fault. I love you for exactly who you are, no matter what your body looks like,” Ben says, not breaking eye contact for a moment. “And it’s okay that you were relieved about this. We haven’t talked about it, and I would never want you to do something like this if you didn’t want to.”

“Yeah, but- it would have been your kid.”

“It’s your body, Callum. More than anything, I want you to be happy.”

“I love you,” Callum says, and even that doesn’t feel like enough, because right now he just loves Ben with everything he is, everything he always was and everything he’ll be. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, handsome. Always,” Ben says, wiping a tear that’s fallen from Callum’s eye with a gentle thumb.

They fall asleep wrapped in each other’s arms, and Callum feels so much more like he belongs.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so fuckin nervous about this one oop.  
> but yeah this is based on one of my biggest fears for the future, so yeah, hope you enjoyed, kudos and comments mean the world! stay safe  
> Leo <3 (tumblr artsy-highway)


End file.
